remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
