It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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