I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
