i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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