thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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