you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
