Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
