he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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