Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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