I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize