These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He? As in you personified your dick?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
