she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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