we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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