Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They took my balls.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
