you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
