I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
