Sponge bath it is.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
