I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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