You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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