How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize