He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sorry about my life...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
