girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
