Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
