Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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