Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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