he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
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