I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
