I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
