omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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