Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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