Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
