You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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