dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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