Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
