Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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