I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
