no, he came in my armpit
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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