Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
