You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
