I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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