dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
