Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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