Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Semen is not good for contacts.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize