Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
