My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
