if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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