My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
