at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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