I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
