I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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