she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
