the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
