i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
