i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
