You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
