Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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