I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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