this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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